MONDAY
Ahhhhh.
The start of my week. My alarm went off for the first time at 6:10. Then again at 6:15. And again at 6:20. At 6:25, enough was enough. I turned it off and fell back asleep. At 9:30 I woke up to Carrie shouting at me to get up. I stumbled out of bed and brushed my teeth. I looked up at the mirror and stared at myself for a moment. What a handsome, young, attractive, healthy, caring, generous man I am. I wondered if I should brush my hair. Or maybe even wash it. I decided against it though. I don’t have time for any of that nonsense.
TUESDAY
Today I was not woken up by my alarm. Today it was one of those screaming children who run around my flat all day eating all my crisps. I don’t know what child it was, who their mother is, how old they are or if I’m even their father. Now that I think about it, I don’t remember seeing that one before. Anyways, enough about that one, today was a very important day at the office. Krispy Kreme day. The day of all Krispy Kreme heaven. I had 8 original glazed, 4 lotus ones, and 6 Oreo donuts. That was 2 less than usual but it was only before lunch…
WEDNESDAY
When my alarm went off today, I decided today was the day. Today was the day I will get stuff done. I don’t know what stuff, but I know that stuff will get done. I had a big bowl of Ready Breck Porridge which Carrie made for me and then another Original glazed which I found in my hair. Don’t know how that got there. Then I cycled over to City Hall for a very important meeting with my makeup artist. I’m going to be on the telly tonight!
THURSDAY
I went for my early morning run today alongside the canal. I was PONDering (pun intended) whether to go for a little swim! Nothing better than filthy garbage water and duckweed. I went into the office again today to get some articles written for the Evening Standard, The Daily Mail, The Metro, The Times, The Sun, The Moon, The Galaxy, The nebula, The milky way. Speaking of chocolate, I found a whole Dairy Milk bar in the bin at the tube station today. It was so scrummyyummydelicioso; I don’t know why it was thrown away. People are just so wasteful nowadays. I got home at 7 to a quiet house. Carrie was out doing Carrie things and I had no clue where the kids are but all that matters was, I had a free house. It was time. The perfect time. The time of all times. Time to call Jennifer. Of course, she came over at once. I told Jennifer that the wife and a couple kids would be back at 9 so we moved swiftly.
FRIDAY
6AM. Today I actually got up at 6 in the morning! I took my second run of the week along the canal and took a stop to feed the ducks some bread and biscuits. I had a lovely shower when I got home to get out my sweaty running gear and got dressed in my pink shirt and yellow tie. All ready for the day. I put on my helmet and took my bicycle out the garage. I cycled down for the House of Commons for a very important discussion, but Mr Speaker hardly let me speak! After, me and Rishi went to Gails for a hot chocolate and an iced gingerbread man where we talked about important businessmen things. I got home at 4 o’clock and Carrie informed me that our wallpaper was ripping apart and we need to get it changed immediately. She said something about it being a safety hazard? Not sure what that was about. I called up the highest designers of wallpaper and asked for their most expensive design. Two hours later, wallpaper that cost £840 per roll was being installed in my flat. Carrie was happy and so was I. I’ll have to pretend I was not informed about the £30,000 I am permitted yearly for the decoration of my home as I’ve already spent £58,000. Whoops!
SATURDAY
Today I slept in. I definitely deserved it after a long busy week. I’m really in need of a holiday. I went onto EasyJet and booked the next flight out to Ibiza. It’s party time! I booked 8 tickets so whichever children wanted to join us, could. I got to packing my suitcase and booked us a cab for 5 o’clock. Just as I expected, when the cab arrived, no one was ready. I even had to pay a fine of £20 to the cab company. That is £20 I do not have to waste! Anyways, when we got to the station, we bought some Waitrose meal deals for lunch. I had a Waitrose Essentials Prawn and Mayo wrap with a Waitrose Essentials Sparkling Pink Lemonade. It was delicious. We also picked up a few bags of Percy Pigs and Colin the Caterpillar gummies. Those are my favourite.
SUNDAY
This is the life!! I am in a 5 star hotel in a beautiful suite overlooking the white sandy beach and clear water of the Spanish Island. I went to sit by the infinity pool with a Strawberry Daquiri (with extra rum of course) in hand. The kids were begging me to come play with them in the pool but undoubtedly, I declined. There was no chance I was getting my hair wet! My girlfriend asked me to come inside but I reminded her I’ve got to keep the tan up. It’s not a skin colour, it’s a lifestyle Carrie.
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